Silent Sue

Mama was happy when she got pregnant. She dreamed she was curled up on her daddy’s lap, even though her daddy died a long time ago when Mama was very young. But Papa started coming home late again, sometimes drunk, and she became sad again. She dreamed she was in a hallway trying to find a room, but she couldn’t find any doors. She dreamed she was trying to catch a man who kept walking around the corner. She dreamed she found a shoebox full of treasure, but when she opened it, the moonlight turned the jewels into powder.

Papa was sad, too. He dreamed he was under a heavy blanket, but every time he threw the blanket off, he found he was still under it. He dreamed he was driving around and couldn’t find the ramp to the bridge, even though he could see the top of the bridge over the roofs of the houses. He dreamed his heart was beating in someone else’s chest.

His dreams when he was drunk were hard to take. Usually he would pass out on the couch, but sometimes his dreams were strong enough to pull me in even from downstairs. They were always so dizzy. Pieces of dreams kept flying around, never landing or taking shape. I kept waking up from these dreams. Every time I woke up I felt like I had to go to the bathroom and be sick.

I don’t know what I felt myself. Mostly I was just really tired. Being in their dreams is like being awake, so I got very little rest, even if I slept the whole night. It was good they didn’t dream all night long, so I got at least a little rest.

I can’t remember the last time I had my own dream.

Even though Mama was not happy, she wanted me to be happy. She wanted me to be happy about the baby. She said, “Silent Sue, are you looking forward to being a big sister? You can help take care of her when she’s here.”

She calls me Silent Sue because I don’t talk much. I really am so tired most of the time. I didn’t answer her because I didn’t know if I wanted to be a big sister. I didn’t know if I wanted to help take care of a little baby.

One night when Papa was really late, Mama said I should sleep with her in their bed. I didn’t want to. Sleeping beside her would mean I would be in her dreams for sure. But I try to be a good girl, so I got under the covers with her. I tried not to sleep. But my eyes were so heavy I fell asleep right away. I fell into a dream.

I think it was a dream. I wasn’t sure. There wasn’t anything to see, just darkness, though sometimes one side of the darkness would turn dark orange, and sometimes there would be little flashes of red light. I was warm all over. I could hear squishy and faraway noises, and a thump-thump that seemed more like a shaking than a sound. It wasn’t scary or anything. It was kind of soothing.

I woke up. Mama was asleep, but not deep asleep, so I knew it wasn’t her dream. I touched her belly. The baby was moving inside. I whispered very softly to her inside Mama’s belly, “When you come out, don’t have bad dreams, okay? I’ll take care of you, but don’t have bad dreams. Okay?”

(November 2011)